2008 Competition Results: (5:8-Bit Mash Up)

5th Place – The Eggyard – Total: 63



To quote the instructions in the ReadMe – “This game is about coming of age and being scrambled. Guide the old egg to the bench.”


I’m pretty sure that the authors were trying to convey a message about the player wasting his life away doing futile things like playing games, or more specifically this one.

Even Nintendo wouldn’t have the brass balls to put out such a non-game as this.

Using just the right cursor key, the aim of this “game” is to move an old aged egg, complete with spectacles and walking stick, very slowly through what looks like a graveyard at night. Just move from the left of the screen to the right, where a bench awaits. All that exists between one side of the screen and other is some simple monochromatic scenery. That’s it. Except that eggs are falling from the sky. Get hit by a falling egg and you get scrambled; game over. Reach the bench however and you are “rewarded” with a terrible tune and that’s it.

Amazingly, this game took two people to write this. Presumably one to do all the coding, graphics and sound, while the other held his sides together to prevent them from splitting and his innards becoming his outtards. A totally rotten egg of a game.



In the history of computer games the words ‘Genius’, ‘Phenomenon’, ‘Ground-breaking’, ‘Genre Defining’ and the like have been bandied around like cheap currency. I myself like to get at least an ‘Amazing’ or a ‘Triumphant’ into every review I do.

But what happens when you actually get a game that ‘Outstands’ or ‘Outstrips’ all other games that you have ever played? A game that truly loosens your mind and makes you think ‘Yes, this IS the one’.

Fortunately I have no need to examine (See, I can’t even be bothered to do egg jokes with this) the question as The Eggyard can be described as none of the above. Actually, perhaps Genre Defining, but that’s not a compliment.

The fact that this is being reviewed at all is only due to the fact that Bob is holding a rusty knife to my dangly bits until I finish it. Mind you, it was a tough choice even then to do it or not….

What amazes me is the obvious effort that has gone into making a game that looks nice and, once completed, sounds terrific too, yet has a complete lack of gameplay.

I tell you, it’s beyond a yoke! – hoho – couldn’t resist, sorry.



Initialy I was going to write a one-sentence review for this one, and it read “Thank you for wasting our time”. Which pretty much sums up the love I have for this entry. I’ll explain in more detail.

The ‘game’ (if you can decide on calling it as such) has you control a dizzy-like character from the left part of the screen to the right, until he reaches a (badly drawn) bench, it which point the game plays music and that is it. Your only options in directing the player character is either to move right, or not move at all. During the sequence of moving, there’s no sound whatsoever, and even the ‘music’ that plays at the end, if you didn’t die of boredome and was able to reach the previous mentioned bench, sounds like shit. It’s better to play this one muted. In fact, it’s probably better to play this game with your monitor switched off as well. Or don’t play it at all (my personal reccomendation).

I am sure this is going to spark the “game vs art” debate again, which is probably why it was submitted to the competition in the first place. And here is my take on all of that bollocks. Games are not art. No matter how contemporary you create something that resembles a game or a game-like mechanism. I imagine that the people who sprout out this kind of nonsense are filled with the need to feel important, and have a real “oh look at this, I created this, look at me, I am important” attitude. Newsflash for you – it’s not important, and no one is going to remember neither you, nor that shit you made. You want people to remember your creation? Or remember you? Create something good, for heaven’s sake.



The author’s taking the piss right?  When we come to the mash-up section, we think of Jet Set Jetpac, Monty Raids Over Moscow or even at a push,  Space Invaders Loses Their Clock. Instead we get a pile of slow moving tripe that is about as much fun as Garry Glitter performing for the Singing Kettle.

A hybrid of Dizzy and Custer’s Last Stand?  No cock? Barely and egg with boxing gloves, hmm. This is a game to avoid and is a waste of time.  I have to admit, when I first played it, the visual style might have been promising. On actually playing this travesty, I wanted to shoot someone.

The character is an old man, so can’t walk fast.  Oh wow!  To go with the snails pace there, well I thought there wasn’t any sound – but when you get the to the castle, music starts and your egg is younger and you can’t move.

Okay, this is an intentional sabotage against the system of soulless gaming.  Anyone caring enough to peruse the read me file will realise that it’s taking the Michael of arthouse crap like Tales of Tales The Graveyard.  This still doesn’t make it a good game though.

This game has no egg to stand on.